So It's Sunday night...I'm sitting here listening to some KanKick and I gotta say, what is it about Sunday night that is just so amazingly...boring and depressing?
I mean it's not like my weekend hasn't been interesting. Heck, my whole week has been quite interesting. My boss spoke to me on Thursday about wanting to give me some more responsibility and pay some more. Perhaps this could be the beginning of a wonderful friendship. But for some reason, half of all my new friendships end up being a gift and a curse. I've been missing my ex more in the last few days. It's strange how time doesn't really matter in these situations. It could 5 years from now but if I need qualities that someone provided over 5 years prior...I'd be missing them as well.
I guess it's just the fact that it's so rare to find a girl who's real these days. Or perhaps I'm just picky and my standards are misconstrued. In any case...I think I'm going to give up on relationships for a while. I'm not interested in anyone at the moment...and I guess it's a good thing. I can fully concentrate on myself and devote myself to what I enjoy...music, video games, and masturbation...at the same time.
Why can't people just be real these days? I mean why be so twisted in what you really want? I can't stand it when human beings don't know what the hell they want so they will preach something and practice another. If you don't want to do something...don't. If you can't stand your best friend...stop hanging out with him...if you don't want to be with your ex...stop leading him on. If you're not going to walk into my room when I'm jerking off...don't walk near my door in such an aggressive manner as it scares me into closing my video player.
BTW...what is it about porn that we're so ashamed of? Why can't we just say "Hey mom...don't go upstairs for about 15 minutes because I want to jerk off and I don't want you walking in on me."
Why do we have to be so secretive about it? Is it a thrill to keep these things a secret? Perhaps taboo to the idea of doing things in the dark where no one can see you.
Sexual tension...what is it about having a beautiful girl in your house that makes you want to throw them on your bed and just molest the bejeezus out of them? Maybe I'm alone in this department...or maybe it's the fact I haven't been laid in quite some time.
Oh I just watched 'I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry'...I totally felt like I wanted to puke during one scene. Actually I think every guy in the theater wanted to puke. Damn you David Spade...damn you.
I downloaded this porn video of a girl trying to seduce her teacher. Why do we find 'clueless virgin whores' so damn hot? I've yet to meet an actual virgin who could fuck the shit out of me. It's like an oxymoron...like a hung Asian or a black dude who doesn't want to be a rapper. It's just non-existent.
Anyways...I'm just rambling on. Stay tuned on Wednesday. I'm starting a new blog series. I think you'll enjoy it.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Girlfriend Application
Section ONE (Multiple Choice)
1. It's Friday night...you're chillin' at my house and we're watching a romantic comedy. During one of the sad/slow scenes...I accidentally pass gas. Well not accidentally...but let's just hypothetically pretend that I didn't mean it. How would you react?
A) Get up and leave the room
B) Get up and pause the movie and then leave the room
C) Fart and say "thank god...I thought I was the only one"
D) A bag of walnuts
2. You've brought me over for dinner with your parents and I end up wearing those baggy jeans that make me look so 'thugged out' and hobo-ish.
A) You send me home to change
B) You let the night play out and hope your father doesn't talk to you to death after I leave
C) You tell your parents that I'm a random homeless guy you found on your front porch and that the right thing to do is feed me and pretend to be in a relationship with me
D) Watermelon kicks so much ass
3. We've been dating for 3 months and I bring you to chill with my friends. One of two of them put the moves on you...what do you do?
A) Tell me and hope I don't get mad at my friend
B) Keep it a secret...and give the dude your number
C) Ignore the guy and not tell me to avoid drama
D) My cat is only useful when it's really cold and you need something to cuddle with
4. You're at my house and you end up using my computer and somehow find my secret folder full of porn. What do you do?
A) Close it and pretend you didn't see anything
B) Start watching the videos and hope no one comes in...including me
C) Delete my porn and then finally give me 't3h s3xxx'
D) MTV's The Hills is an addictive show
5. Your phone breaks...so you borrow mine for a call. During the time which one of my female friends call. What do you do?
A) Tell them you're my girlfriend
B) Don't answer and tell me someone called
C) Hang up...erase the history and her name from my contact list
D) Rap music sucks
6. So we've finally decided to see each other naked...and I take off my shirt and you see my fat belly + man titties. What do you do?
A) We compare bra sizes
B) You rub my belly for good luck
C) You point and laugh and then punch me in the nuts and bid me goodbye and a "have a nice life"
D) Being lactose intolerant sucks
7. We're at a bar with friends and you start drinking a little too much. I tell you to take it easy...
A) Do you tell me to piss off and then finish drinking your bottle of Grey Goose
B) You stop...and start drinking water instead
C) You keep drinking because you're getting a ride home
D) I need a new pair of white shoes
8. It's my Birthday...we've been dating for 8 months. What would your present consist of?
A) Some vaseline...a banana and some duct tape.
B) A new iPod with all my favourite tunes already on it
C) A treadmill for my fat belly
D) An ankle monitor to keep track of my slutty ass
9. It's 'date night' and I've decided to cook you dinner and watch a movie. What type of movie would you like?
A) Horror/Scary/Suspenseful
B) Action/Adventure/Comedy
C) Drama/Romance
D) Smut porn
10. If I asked you to fill out a 'girlfriend' application on facebook...would you...
A) Fill it out
B) Laugh and say "what a loser!"
C) Fill it out and laugh and say "what a loser!"
D) Fill out but not laugh and still say "what a loser!"
E) Say "what a loser" and then hit me up on MSN like "fuck that...here's my application *insert phone number*"
Section TWO (Yes or No)
1. Do you like Roller coasters?
2. Do you like video games?
3. Do you smoke cigarettes/weed?
4. Do you have a drinking problem?
5. Would you mind if I came home from a hard days work smelling like oil, burnt metal and wood chips?
6. If during sex I handed you a strap on and said "Now you do me"...would you go through with it?
7. The way I dress sucks...would you try to change me?
8. I'm poor...would it matter?
9. Would you ever just want to hang out and not do anything? Just sit and stare at each other?
10. Isn't this fun?
Section THREE (Personal message)
In 200 words or less...explain to me why you'd like to date me.
1. It's Friday night...you're chillin' at my house and we're watching a romantic comedy. During one of the sad/slow scenes...I accidentally pass gas. Well not accidentally...but let's just hypothetically pretend that I didn't mean it. How would you react?
A) Get up and leave the room
B) Get up and pause the movie and then leave the room
C) Fart and say "thank god...I thought I was the only one"
D) A bag of walnuts
2. You've brought me over for dinner with your parents and I end up wearing those baggy jeans that make me look so 'thugged out' and hobo-ish.
A) You send me home to change
B) You let the night play out and hope your father doesn't talk to you to death after I leave
C) You tell your parents that I'm a random homeless guy you found on your front porch and that the right thing to do is feed me and pretend to be in a relationship with me
D) Watermelon kicks so much ass
3. We've been dating for 3 months and I bring you to chill with my friends. One of two of them put the moves on you...what do you do?
A) Tell me and hope I don't get mad at my friend
B) Keep it a secret...and give the dude your number
C) Ignore the guy and not tell me to avoid drama
D) My cat is only useful when it's really cold and you need something to cuddle with
4. You're at my house and you end up using my computer and somehow find my secret folder full of porn. What do you do?
A) Close it and pretend you didn't see anything
B) Start watching the videos and hope no one comes in...including me
C) Delete my porn and then finally give me 't3h s3xxx'
D) MTV's The Hills is an addictive show
5. Your phone breaks...so you borrow mine for a call. During the time which one of my female friends call. What do you do?
A) Tell them you're my girlfriend
B) Don't answer and tell me someone called
C) Hang up...erase the history and her name from my contact list
D) Rap music sucks
6. So we've finally decided to see each other naked...and I take off my shirt and you see my fat belly + man titties. What do you do?
A) We compare bra sizes
B) You rub my belly for good luck
C) You point and laugh and then punch me in the nuts and bid me goodbye and a "have a nice life"
D) Being lactose intolerant sucks
7. We're at a bar with friends and you start drinking a little too much. I tell you to take it easy...
A) Do you tell me to piss off and then finish drinking your bottle of Grey Goose
B) You stop...and start drinking water instead
C) You keep drinking because you're getting a ride home
D) I need a new pair of white shoes
8. It's my Birthday...we've been dating for 8 months. What would your present consist of?
A) Some vaseline...a banana and some duct tape.
B) A new iPod with all my favourite tunes already on it
C) A treadmill for my fat belly
D) An ankle monitor to keep track of my slutty ass
9. It's 'date night' and I've decided to cook you dinner and watch a movie. What type of movie would you like?
A) Horror/Scary/Suspenseful
B) Action/Adventure/Comedy
C) Drama/Romance
D) Smut porn
10. If I asked you to fill out a 'girlfriend' application on facebook...would you...
A) Fill it out
B) Laugh and say "what a loser!"
C) Fill it out and laugh and say "what a loser!"
D) Fill out but not laugh and still say "what a loser!"
E) Say "what a loser" and then hit me up on MSN like "fuck that...here's my application *insert phone number*"
Section TWO (Yes or No)
1. Do you like Roller coasters?
2. Do you like video games?
3. Do you smoke cigarettes/weed?
4. Do you have a drinking problem?
5. Would you mind if I came home from a hard days work smelling like oil, burnt metal and wood chips?
6. If during sex I handed you a strap on and said "Now you do me"...would you go through with it?
7. The way I dress sucks...would you try to change me?
8. I'm poor...would it matter?
9. Would you ever just want to hang out and not do anything? Just sit and stare at each other?
10. Isn't this fun?
Section THREE (Personal message)
In 200 words or less...explain to me why you'd like to date me.
Our Fascination With Useless Individuals
Now first and foremost...I don't mean to sound offensive when I say...a lot of us are fucking retarded.
Again...no offence. (Ha ha...it's a joke...don't bite my head off for this later on you arrogant prick...you know who you are.)
Anyways...what's with us being obsessed with 'beautiful' people who do nothing? I don't mean 'celebrities'...because at least actors and singers are actually doing something that requires at least a smidgen of talent.
I'm talking about the bimbos on 'The Hills'...or the little morons on 'Newport Harbour'...or Tila Tequila...or the fucking Bachelor/Bachelorette.
What's so GREAT about watching other people live their lives? It doesn't affect us in the least and we learn NOTHING useful. I wouldn't even CARE if this was 'entertaining'...but the fact is...it's NOT.
Let me analyze an episode of The Hills for you.
10:00...Last week on the Hills...This girl has to do a job...uh oh...boyfriend shows up angry...yikes...now she's in a rut...angry boyfriend befriends her best friend and ends up hitting on her...oooohhhhh
10:05...main girl meets with her best friend...they talk about it over some cafe-mocha lattes...while wearing eskimo boots in fucking L.A...and scarfs.
"Blah blah blah...I wonder what he meant'..."
"Yada yada yada...I know...it's so bizarre..."
*calls boyfriend*
OHHH LOOK AT THAT...A CAMERA IS FOLLOWING THE BOYFRIEND IN HIS CAR TOO! HOW CONVENIENT!
...alright fuck all the B.S.
Anyways...30 minutes later...the episode ends exactly where it started from...a depressed idiot girl is dating an idiotic dude with no sense of personality...and her best friend clearly has no issues against trying to break them up.
WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED THAT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE OR PERSPECTIVE ON ANYTHING?
Nothing. The show is a worthless mash up of beautiful people with no personalities and fashion and pop culture. Everytime a fucking scene changes...we get a new 10 second clip of a new Nelly Furtado song...we get little clips of new clothes...new cars...and stores/restaurants.
I would LOVE to see an interesting individual on these shows...just ONCE have a motherfucker on there who would speak his mind and say "THIS BITCH IS DUMB...WHY AM I DATING HER WHEN HER FRIEND IS MUCH HOTTER AND SLUTTIER?"
But nooooooo...it takes a whole fucking season for the dude to cheat and the girl to realize what a moron she was.
Sorry...I'm rambling. Anyways back to the topic...fuck The Hills.
Seriously though...the topic...
What's so great about watching other people live? Are our lives that uninteresting that we find no pleasure in them? Do we fantasize about being AS good looking or AS RICH as others? I mean everytime I watched 'Growing Up Gotti' I kept thinking of how fucking dumb these kids were and how much I deserved all the shit they got even MORE than they did. All they did was be born and suddenly they're praised.
When the hell are we gonna raise the bar on what is presented to us. Everything they give us...we accept. That's why shit is getting repetitive and boring. Ever since 'Reality TV' blew up...that's all TV is nowadays...just reality TV..."Watch this family live." "Watch this girl find love." "Watch this chimpanzee throw poop at a cop." It's ridiculous.
Someone bring back The Samurai Pizza Cats.
Again...no offence. (Ha ha...it's a joke...don't bite my head off for this later on you arrogant prick...you know who you are.)
Anyways...what's with us being obsessed with 'beautiful' people who do nothing? I don't mean 'celebrities'...because at least actors and singers are actually doing something that requires at least a smidgen of talent.
I'm talking about the bimbos on 'The Hills'...or the little morons on 'Newport Harbour'...or Tila Tequila...or the fucking Bachelor/Bachelorette.
What's so GREAT about watching other people live their lives? It doesn't affect us in the least and we learn NOTHING useful. I wouldn't even CARE if this was 'entertaining'...but the fact is...it's NOT.
Let me analyze an episode of The Hills for you.
10:00...Last week on the Hills...This girl has to do a job...uh oh...boyfriend shows up angry...yikes...now she's in a rut...angry boyfriend befriends her best friend and ends up hitting on her...oooohhhhh
10:05...main girl meets with her best friend...they talk about it over some cafe-mocha lattes...while wearing eskimo boots in fucking L.A...and scarfs.
"Blah blah blah...I wonder what he meant'..."
"Yada yada yada...I know...it's so bizarre..."
*calls boyfriend*
OHHH LOOK AT THAT...A CAMERA IS FOLLOWING THE BOYFRIEND IN HIS CAR TOO! HOW CONVENIENT!
...alright fuck all the B.S.
Anyways...30 minutes later...the episode ends exactly where it started from...a depressed idiot girl is dating an idiotic dude with no sense of personality...and her best friend clearly has no issues against trying to break them up.
WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED THAT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE OR PERSPECTIVE ON ANYTHING?
Nothing. The show is a worthless mash up of beautiful people with no personalities and fashion and pop culture. Everytime a fucking scene changes...we get a new 10 second clip of a new Nelly Furtado song...we get little clips of new clothes...new cars...and stores/restaurants.
I would LOVE to see an interesting individual on these shows...just ONCE have a motherfucker on there who would speak his mind and say "THIS BITCH IS DUMB...WHY AM I DATING HER WHEN HER FRIEND IS MUCH HOTTER AND SLUTTIER?"
But nooooooo...it takes a whole fucking season for the dude to cheat and the girl to realize what a moron she was.
Sorry...I'm rambling. Anyways back to the topic...fuck The Hills.
Seriously though...the topic...
What's so great about watching other people live? Are our lives that uninteresting that we find no pleasure in them? Do we fantasize about being AS good looking or AS RICH as others? I mean everytime I watched 'Growing Up Gotti' I kept thinking of how fucking dumb these kids were and how much I deserved all the shit they got even MORE than they did. All they did was be born and suddenly they're praised.
When the hell are we gonna raise the bar on what is presented to us. Everything they give us...we accept. That's why shit is getting repetitive and boring. Ever since 'Reality TV' blew up...that's all TV is nowadays...just reality TV..."Watch this family live." "Watch this girl find love." "Watch this chimpanzee throw poop at a cop." It's ridiculous.
Someone bring back The Samurai Pizza Cats.
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